doing good

I'm just trying to do good

I put my hours in at work

I pay my rent on time

and I try to save enough for food between paychecks

this is a long post putting a break here

probably a good read if you're in to what has happened and is happening in my life

I'm getting all my community service and fees paid

I'm paying for my cat food and kitty litter

as far as time on probation unless I get accepted to get off early I still have 10 or 11 months

if I get accepted I get off right then but my officer said it probably won't happen

I check on my website every few days I try to consistently upload youtube videos

I'm doing good

just keep working keep my ssi up to date

I only have 8 days left of community service

I only owe 711$ left on balance

the longest part is the 1pm through 10pm section of the day where I should be asleep but I can't because not tired and sun is still up

I go to community service in the morning

then I get 5 days off

saturday and sunday seem long but in the big picture they go by fast too

I just want it now now now

I want all my fees paid now I want all my hours done now I want to get all the time done now

I'm ready to smoke lol

I don't even feel like I'm home in my own home because I haven't got to smoke in it yet

I'm glad I got away from John more happy about that than anything buuut I'm still not allowed to smoke in my own home because of what I had to do to get away

it's all going good just taking what seems like forever to get it done and move on

and what I have learned from all of this

is that basically no reason you can come up with

for why I have to do so much for what I did(with all the information)

It seems like there's a menu at like say a restaurant

for illegal activity

and depending on what you do

it's what criminals would pay to do that in a fair sense not a specific person

and you are paying in dollars and work what a group of criminals would pay to do that thing

I'm paying all of this and working off all of this

because a group of criminals would pay that much to get to do that thing

for fun

and that's just what I have to pay and do

like if baskin robbins had prices on each individual ice cream

and it was like stealing, rape, injury, murder, etc

what they would pay to do that for fun

and you just have to pay that amount because that's what they would pay to do that

otherwise I HAVE NO IDEA WHY IT IS SO HARSH

what I did was the right thing to do

it was in my self defense

all they have gone off this entire time was the charge I got

they've never once sat down and talked to me and it's been a year and six months

and guess what

they never do sit down and talk to you

it has really opened my eyes on the way it all works texas laws and court getting a felony

if I was destined to do this for a learning experience or what because I tried everything besides being violent then I felt I had to be violent to get away

if I have all this information backing me up

and they will not listen to any of it

how is it not paying to get to do something sick

i'd much rather them of listened to me

and go away clear and clean

but no I have to do all of this work and pay all of this money

to get TO GET to do it

walk in baskin robbins and pick the bodily injury to child or elderly flavor

that'll be 130 days in jail 60 hours of community service and around 4,000$

I'm like damn why are yall making it out to be something I chose and want to pay for

I did it to get away from a bad situation

hello I didn't want to do this look at the information I tried everything else

so basically for me it comes down to

striking a man in their head enough times to render them unconscious to safely get away

is 130 days in jail 60 hours of community service and 4,000$ of fun

30 year old vs 84 year old in a hand to hand fight

the 84 year old couldn't defend himself

THE 84 YEAR OLD STARTED THE FIGHT

THE 84 YEAR OLD FOUGHT BACK

THE 84 YEAR OLD DID MENTAL ABUSE

WE DID EVERYTHING TO MAKE HIM HAPPY AND THE 84 WOULD RAPE THE SITUATION EVERY SINGLE TIME

since I have a safe spot to share

he did nothing for the house

he bought no food, only buying shit to try to get us to eat it

paid no bills that needed to be paid, only the cable and internet to try to scare us by telling us he would turn the internet off

the way he worked me he would spend so much time watching tv I would spend double on medicine, weed, till the time it was finally time to go to work, then that was out of the kindness of my heart because it wouldn't even pay for 1/4th of the weed I used to get to the job

he would waste time at the job

Okay so got that bought no food, spent too much money on tv/internet, wasted time before jobs, would stretch jobs out and cut pay

then he complained about literally everything causing us to suffer from hearing his moans and groans

he would spit all throughout the day and not just like a little spit

a huge hawk and it would disgust me making me twitch each time I heard it

he would curse at the tv when I was quietly thinking in my room

he would always have jobs multiple times a week always stretching time out causing me to use all my medicine(weed and beer)

he stretched out so much time I would have no money by the 6th of the month

then suffer for 24 more days

it was worse than jail and i'm sure worse than prison

positive 100% positive

so after this went on for months

I was hearing so much about how my mom couldn't take it my sister was acting up because of it

he would sleep on the couch in the living room and STARE I MEAN STARE STARE at anyone that went in the kitchen and he complained about everyone being fatasses eatting from the kitchen like my mom ande my sister

always calling my little sister A FATASS okay she was 16 and she is a little bit BUT I DAMN WELL KNOW IT"S BECAUSE OF THE STRESS OF NOT BEING ALL TOGETHER she's a little slow in some places when she was born she was short on oxygen

okay so with all that out moving forward to the day

I COULDN"T TAKE IT

I TRIED EVERYTHING

i moved the couch in the backyard and wrote him a note thinking I could stay in my room and talk to him from my room

MY MOM MADE ALL THREE OF US MOVE THE COUCH BACK INSIDE

I wrote him a note saying he didn't add anything to the family

he didn't pay for anything we had paid for everything for years

he needed to go

okay so we moved the couch inside and I FORGOT TO GRAB THE NOTE ON THE TABLE
he came in the house as I was going to get the note he read it and called me in

I sat down

he basically was beating around the bush but flipped the card and wanted to say but didn't that I needed to move out

I THOUGHT
I JUST HAD THE MERE THOUGHT
SOMETHING NEEDS TO CHANGE

then I was enlightened and remembered all the times I asked him to not spit and not complain and ALLLLLLL THE THINGS I ASKED THAT WOULD OF MADE THE HOUSE A HAPPIER FRIENDLER SAFER PLACE
AND GUESS WHAT HE NEVER DID ONE DAMN THING I ASKED

So I STOOD UP ON THE COUCH AND BEAT THE MAN IN THE HEAD WITH MY FIST UNTIL HE WAS RENDERED UNCONSIOUS

911 came they took him in the ambulance and I got arrested

now I don't think anyone has ever heard the full story

I paid the water bill I worked several times a week for him

I paid all my food and medicine

I DID EVERY DAMN THING I COULD TO KEEP THAT HOUSE UP

as far as I was concerned it was our house from his bad behavior

now I don't want it

The worst part is we could of afforded to keep that house running easy

but with him around money is no good

I'm just glad I don't live with that black hole of a man anymore

so I just got a call from my officer

I'm not on probation anymore

she had put my on the docket several months ago

and we never heard anything about that until about 10 mins ago in that phone call

all she said was

the docket went through

I'm going to speak before the judge on around feb 16th-18th

I need to speak to my bond

I'm no longer on probation

and that's it

I have no idea what that means no one knows what that means

expecting my pretrial diversion gets cut and I go back to regular probation

but I have no idea what that means for my community service hours and balance of fees

my mom called my bonds for me

they didn't know anything yet but going to call her as soon as they find something out

I was already planning on doing the full year left so that's no big deal

I'm just hoping I don't get too much more community service

I REALLY DONT WANT TO GO BACK TO JAIL just because I don't want to lose my apartment

maybe I can work something out if it comes to that

but I think they'll put me back on probation not jail

but you really never know

if I got more community service time i'd be upset but it's just doing it and getting it done

if I have to pay more then it's just paying more

I REALLY REALLY hope they don't send me back to jail for this lol

I CAN"T LOSE MY CATS and I REALLY like my apartment lolol

but with all that in mind

it could be light it could be not so bad

the only thing I did wrong was fail some lab drug tests

i'll know when I get in front of the judge

he will tell me everything

but i'll probably know from my bondsman ahead of time a main idea of what's happening

but for now

i'm taking a warm shower and calming down

"you were dirty on several of your drug tests"
I know I have schizophrenia and I self medicate with store bought marijuana to calm my mind

"you're clean now what have you been doing"

I took up smoking cigarettes I smoke about a pack every 3 days and I roll my own sometimes

this has helped me get as far as I got in probation

please don't send me back to jail please I don't want to lose my cats lol 

i'll also lose my apartment and my job please no jail i'll pay extra or do extra hours

I smoked for my mental illness schizophrenia now I smoke cigarettes and i'm perfectly fine

keep your head up

don't make a wrong turn

they called like a guardian angel

just keep thinking it's all going to work out

in the right state of mind doing really good

just hope for the best and it'll all work out